{"id":2435,"date":"2020-03-08T13:46:28","date_gmt":"2020-03-08T13:46:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/?p=2435"},"modified":"2020-03-08T13:46:29","modified_gmt":"2020-03-08T13:46:29","slug":"10-ways-to-avoid-marrying-the-wrong-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/2020\/03\/08\/10-ways-to-avoid-marrying-the-wrong-person\/","title":{"rendered":"10 ways to avoid marrying the wrong person"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><strong>By<\/strong>:&nbsp;Dr. Nafisa Sekandari &amp; Hosai Mojaddidi<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. \u00a0The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and<strong>&nbsp;thoroughly&nbsp;<\/strong>getting to know someone. &nbsp;A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. &nbsp;The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to\u00a0<em>how\u00a0<\/em>that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in \u201chalal dating,\u201d which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and\/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activities, etc. \u00a0Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal &amp; chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? \u00a0Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you or someone you know is in the \u201cgetting to know someone\u201d phase, &nbsp;the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1) Do Not Marry Potential<\/strong>:\u00a0 Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change.\u00a0 This is the wrong approach for both accounts.\u00a0 Don\u2019t assume that you can change a person after you\u2019re married to them or that they will reach their potential.\u00a0 There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it\u2019s often for the worse. If you can\u2019t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don\u2019t marry them.\u00a0 These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2) Choose Character over Chemistry<\/strong>:&nbsp; While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, \u201cChemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.\u201d The idea of falling \u201cin love\u201d should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love.&nbsp; The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, &amp; happiness. Here\u2019s a breakdown of each trait:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Humility:<\/strong>\u00a0The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort.\u00a0 They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.<\/li><li>Kindness:\u00a0The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they\u2019ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don\u2019t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money?\u00a0 How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else\u2019s anger?<\/li><li>Responsibility:\u00a0A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character.\u00a0 You can rely on this person and trust what they say.<\/li><li>Happiness:\u00a0A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don\u2019t have.\u00a0 They very rarely complain.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3) Do Not Neglect The\u00a0 Emotional Needs of Your Partner<\/strong>:\u00a0 Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved.\u00a0 The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated.\u00a0 To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs:\u00a0 Attention, Affection, &amp; Appreciation.\u00a0 To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:\u00a0 Respect, Reassurance, &amp; Relief.\u00a0 It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive.\u00a0 When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love, and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans<\/strong>:\u00a0 In marriage, you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about?&nbsp; Then ask yourself, \u201cDo I respect this passion?\u201d \u201cDo I respect what they are into?\u201d<\/li><li>The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.<\/li><li>Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual\/Physical Activity<\/strong>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harm as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.<\/li><li>Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.<\/li><li>Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection<\/strong>:&nbsp; There are four questions that you must answer YES to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong><em>Do I respect and admire this person<\/em><\/strong>?&nbsp; What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?<\/li><li><strong><em>Do I trust this person<\/em><\/strong>?&nbsp; Can I rely on them?&nbsp; Do I trust their judgment?&nbsp; Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?<\/li><li><strong><em>Do I feel Safe<\/em><\/strong>?&nbsp; Do I feel emotionally safe with this person?&nbsp; Can I be vulnerable?&nbsp; Can I be myself?&nbsp; Can I be open?&nbsp; Can I express myself?<\/li><li><strong><em>Do I feel calm and at peace with this person<\/em><\/strong>?<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>If the answer is \u201cI don\u2019t know, I\u2019m not sure, etc.\u201d keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don\u2019t feel safe now, you won\u2019t feel safe when you are married.&nbsp; If you don\u2019t trust now, this won\u2019t change when you are married!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety:<\/strong>&nbsp;Choosing someone you don\u2019t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage.&nbsp; Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage.&nbsp; When you don\u2019t feel safe, you can\u2019t express your feelings and opinions.&nbsp; Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship.&nbsp; If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can\u2019t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it\u2019s very likely you are in an abusive relationship.&nbsp; Look for the following things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Controlling behavior:<\/strong>\u00a0This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair\/hijab and the way you spend your time.\u00a0 Know the difference between suggestions and demands.\u00a0 Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.<\/li><li>Anger issues:\u00a0This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put-downs, and curses at you, etc.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to put up with this type of treatment.\u00a0 Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds.\u00a0 If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away.\u00a0 Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Beware of Lack of Openness<\/strong>&nbsp;<strong>In Your Partner<\/strong>:&nbsp; Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset.&nbsp; Ask yourself, \u201cWhat do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?\u201d \u201cWhat bothers me about this person or the relationship?\u201d&nbsp; It\u2019s very important to identify what\u2019s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there\u2019s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team.&nbsp; When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it\u2019s an indication they don\u2019t work well as a team.&nbsp; Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds.&nbsp; How do they handle it?&nbsp; Are they defensive?&nbsp; Do they attack?&nbsp; Do they withdraw?&nbsp; Do they get annoyed?&nbsp; Do they blame you?&nbsp; Do they ignore it?&nbsp; Do they hide or rationalize it?&nbsp; Don\u2019t just listen to&nbsp;<strong>what<\/strong>&nbsp;they say but watch for&nbsp;<strong>how<\/strong>&nbsp;they say it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility:<\/strong>&nbsp;It\u2019s very important to remember&nbsp;<em>no one else is responsible for your happiness.<\/em>&nbsp;Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that\u2019s their reason for getting married.&nbsp; People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married.&nbsp; If you are currently not happy with yourself, don\u2019t like yourself, don\u2019t like the direction your life is going now, it\u2019s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage.&nbsp; Don\u2019t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>10)<\/strong>&nbsp;<strong>Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner<\/strong>:&nbsp; Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster.&nbsp; Also important to consider are the following:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside.&nbsp; These include people who don\u2019t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts.&nbsp; They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them.&nbsp; Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don\u2019t.&nbsp; They feel burdened by other people\u2019s needs and feel resentment towards them.&nbsp; These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.<\/li><li>Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship.&nbsp; Never marry an addict.&nbsp; Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol.&nbsp; They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc.&nbsp; When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Additional Points to Consider:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>The fact is no one looks 25 forever.&nbsp; Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance.&nbsp; When we get to know someone we love and admire, we\u2019ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.<\/li><li>Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc.&nbsp; We don\u2019t stop to ask, \u201cWhat does all of this mean about their character?\u201d<\/li><li>Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc.&nbsp; Asking clear questions can clarify this.&nbsp; Ask questions like, \u201cWhat does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?\u201d \u201cWhat are your expectations of marriage?\u201d &nbsp;\u201cHow would you help around the house?\u201d Compare your definition with theirs.<\/li><li>Be flexible.&nbsp; Be open-minded!<\/li><li>Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom.&nbsp; It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.<\/li><li>Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health.&nbsp; The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship.&nbsp; If someone isn\u2019t God-conscience and doesn\u2019t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss.&nbsp; Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage.&nbsp; Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well.&nbsp; Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em>The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.<\/em><\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>By:&nbsp;Dr. Nafisa Sekandari &amp; Hosai Mojaddidi There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. \u00a0The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. 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