You’re in love and you’re engaged, but are you really ready for married life? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Feb. 7, 2018, 9:36 AM EST\u00a0\/\u00a0Updated\u00a0Sept. 3, 2019, 10:36 AM EDT \/ Source: TODAY By A. Pawlowski<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Move over, June. Fall is one of the most popular times of the year to get married, with couples increasingly tying the knot in September or October to take advantage of the beautiful weather.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fall is “truly the new wedding season,” Brides magazine has declared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you’re engaged, in love and preparing for the big day, how do you know you’re really ready for married life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nick and Vanessa Lachey in 2017 revealed they went to a therapist before<\/em> they wed to help them understand how to communicate with each other, calling it \u201csuper helpful.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But if it\u2019s a good match to start with, don\u2019t couples just instinctively know how to have good relationship? Not necessarily, said Liz Higgins, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Dallas, Texas, who offers premarital counseling and specializes in millennial couples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere\n are definitely elements of many healthy couples that can make them have\n a strong solid foundation,\u201d Higgins told TODAY. \u201cBut every single \ncouple \u2014 no matter how healthy, happy and into each other they are \u2014 are\n going to experience conflict at one point or another.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are eight things she wants couples to know before getting married:<\/p>\n\n\n\n That famous line from \u201cJerry Maguire\u201d sounds romantic, but don\u2019t expect your partner to complete your life, Higgins said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s\n really important for you to focus on you \u2014 not in a selfish way, not in\n a way that disregards your partner, but in a way where you understand \ntaking care of yourself is going to help you bring your best self to \nyour relationship,\u201d Higgins said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Couples need to be able to have a balance of separateness and togetherness, she added.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n You probably want a lot from just one person: A companion, a passionate lover, good parent and more, so issues can come up after Higgins presents couples with \u201can expectation inventory.\u201d Here are some sample statements \u2014 would you and your future spouse agree?<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\n could be with the most perfect partner in the world for you and you\u2019re \ngoing to go through seasons where you feel like you\u2019re not aligned and \nyou\u2019re not in love,\u201d Higgins said. \u201cThat\u2019s where it\u2019s really important \nto be grounded in the values that you identify as a couple, versus \ntrying to follow the feelings that you think you\u2019re supposed to be \nhaving.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n How\n did you partner get along with his family? Were they close or distant? \nWas there conflict? That information is very significant, Higgins noted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMany\n of the themes in our family of origin repeat or resurface in marriage,\u201d\n she said. \u201cWhen couples are able to talk about that stuff without \njudgment, are able to listen and tune into their partner\u2019s experience, \nit\u2019s so huge. It creates a deep level of trust.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Higgins believes you should both disclose your entire financial situations. From there, start to decide: What\u2019s the best way to manage the finances? Many young couples today have one joint account, plus their own separate accounts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s\n fine, if that\u2019s what works. But you want to talk about it to make sure \nthat\u2019s not because you are feeling controlled or you\u2019re bringing in \ninsecurities,\u201d Higgins said. \u201cFinances are where the mistrust and issues\n can surface. It\u2019s one of the top reasons people divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Money can be such a touchy topic that for some couples, talking about it can be uncomfortable, she noted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When\n you\u2019re in the honeymoon phase, it\u2019s hard to imagine there will be \narguments or that your spouse has annoying traits and habits, but all of\n that awaits. How will you deal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Often, the things you dislike or despise later in your relationship have more to do with you<\/em> than your partner, Higgins said. It\u2019s all about the vulnerabilities, insecurities and discomfort you bring in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cA\n big piece about how to handle conflict and anger is knowing that it \nstarts with yourself… how you can manage your own anxiety, practice \nhealthy ways of taking care of you, and just making sure you\u2019re in a \ngood place to address whatever stressors are happening,\u201d she noted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n From\n there, it\u2019s about knowing how to come together and communicate as a \ncouple. People are very quick to respond and react, but what you need to\n do is stop, be present and listen, Higgins advised.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Many young married couples get divorced very soon \u2014 less than five years into their marriages, Higgins has observed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere\u2019s\n a mentality in our world today that if something\u2019s not working for you,\n get rid of it,\u201d she noted. \u201cBut conflicts in marriages and \nrelationships are opportunities to grow.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unless you\u2019re experiencing abuse or other intolerable behavior, give yourself the chance to try to work things out, she advised.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Research by psychologist John Gottman found a \u201cmagic\u201d 5-to-1 ratio among healthy couples: For every one negative interaction during a conflict, people in a stable and happy marriage had five or more positive interactions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe positivity is \ncrucial. It\u2019s really important to feel like you\u2019re in a good place, and \nthat is definitely shown through the little acts of love,\u201d Higgins said.\n \u201cNot the big things, like planning lavish trips or spending a million \nbucks on your partner, but just waking up in the morning and giving them\n a kiss.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Follow A. Pawlowski on Facebook<\/a>, Instagram<\/a> and Twitter<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You’re in love and you’re engaged, but are you really ready for married life? Feb. 7, 2018, 9:36 AM EST\u00a0\/\u00a0Updated\u00a0Sept. 3, 2019, 10:36 AM EDT \/ Source: TODAY By A. Pawlowski Move over, June. 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Your spouse is not going to complete you.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
2. Be aware of the expectations you\u2019re bringing into the marriage.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
3. You won\u2019t always feel \u201cin love.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
4. Your partner\u2019s family relationships are key.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
5. Know your partner\u2019s finances.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
6. Conflict is inevitable \u2014 recognize your role in resolving it.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
7. When the going gets tough, don\u2019t call it quits right away.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
8. Express love<\/h2>\n\n\n\n