So\n on a recent winter day, armed with a pale purple dress shirt and purple\n tie, he flew 300 miles south from his home in Stockton, Calif., rented a\n car and booked a hotel room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now\n it was a Saturday night in Anaheim, and Osman and around 60 others were\n taking their seats beneath the crystal chandeliers of a Marriott \nballroom. For many, including Osman, it was their first \u201cmatrimonial \nbanquet.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every\n year, the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA), one of the country\u2019s\n oldest Muslim organizations, hosts about a dozen banquets like this one\n in locations across the country. It is a Halal form of speed-dating, as\n one participant described it \u2014 a way to meet other Muslim singles in a \ncountry where most people are not Muslim, and in a manner their parents \nwould approve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because practicing Muslims typically shun dating or sex before marriage, the banquets offer a possible, if Muslims\n represent no more than 2 percent of the U.S. population, so finding a \nmate is a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack. Among immigrants \nand their children, there are also varying degrees of desire \u2014 and \nparental pressure \u2014 to stay true to some form of cultural heritage. To \nmarry a fellow Pakistani American. To have a traditional Kurdish \nwedding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Add\n in the broader millennial crisis of choice: The screen time, the dating\n apps, the Hollywood expectations of \u201csparks\u201d and fairy tale perfection,\n and the proverbial needle, the disillusioned complain, becomes \nsomething that might not actually exist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n ‘I keep telling her to get married’<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Osman\u2019s view, his parents are an example of the kind of couple that \u201cjust grew to love each other.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n They\n were married more than 30 years ago in Pakistan, in an arrangement \norchestrated by relatives to serve practical needs more than romantic \nideals. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But\n even though they have lasted \u2014 raising three boys in northern \nCalifornia and climbing from the bottom rungs of the economic ladder \ninto middle class prosperity \u2014 theirs is not the marriage Osman wants.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Osman\n wants to fall in love. He wants to marry his best friend. He wants that\n person to be a Muslim and a Pakistani American \u2014 but not a Pakistani. \nHe wants someone like him who was born and raised in the United States \nto immigrant parents, someone who is \u201con the same page.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLooking for my Cinderella, I have her shoe …\u201d his online profiles read. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Three-quarters of American Muslims are immigrants or the children of immigrants, and in many ways Osman is emblematic of an American minority at a generational crossroads.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Osman\n considers himself \u201cfairly religious.\u201d He does not drink or smoke; he \ndoes not date \u2014 he \u201cwouldn\u2019t know where to begin,\u201d he says; and he sees \nIslam as central to his life and identity. He has never really known his\n parents\u2019 Pakistan, but he values his heritage and shares their desire \nto carry it on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The\n more vexing question is how to harness all of these things, how to find\n them in another person. Practically speaking, how to find her while \nliving in a midsize California city, working long hours that leave \nlittle opportunity to meet potential matches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Osman\u2019s parents think he is too picky, and they have been laying on the pressure since his older brothers got married. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He felt optimistic about this matrimonial banquet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWow,\u201d he thought, surveying the room. \u201cI\u2019m going to meet a lot of people.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n The\n other singles had come from all over: California, Maryland, Texas and \nCanada. Each pairing had three minutes to talk \u2014 barely enough time to \naccomplish anything, Osman soon realized \u2014 but many had come carrying \nthe same frustrations about the search.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Arham,\n a 26-year-old electrical engineer, had found similarly bad luck on the \ndating apps. Aisha, a 35-year-old interior designer, had attended two \nprevious matrimonial banquets, but never really \u201cclicked\u201d with anyone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Mishal,\n Sabah, Hera and Azka \u2014 all college students \u2014 were only there because \ntheir mothers had signed them up, (besides, Mishal already had a \nboyfriend), and they spent much of the event\u2019ssocial hour talking to each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLet\u2019s take a selfie,\u201d Hera proposed. \u201cI\u2019ll send this to my mom as proof we were here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then\n there was Nishat, a 35-year-old elementary school teacher, who was only\n there to help her mother sign people in, although her mother would have\n loved to see her in the ballroom. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI keep telling my mother that I\u2019m too busy,\u201d Nishat said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd I keep telling her to get married because we want her to have someone when we\u2019re gone,\u201d said her mother, Shahida Alikhan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ISNA generally bans parents from being in the room at matrimonial banquets precisely because of this tension. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhen they stand and watch, they make the participants uncomfortable,\u201d said Tabasum Ahmad, ISNA\u2019s matrimonials coordinator. <\/p>\n\n\n\n One\n Palestinian-American couple had driven six hours from the San Francisco\n Bay area to deliver their 33-year-old son and 30-year-old daughter into\n that Anaheim ballroom of hope. When a young woman showed up late and \nbrushed elbows with the anxious parents, the father said, \u201cI could save \nyou time \u2014 you could marry my son!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHe\u2019s an engineer!\u201d his wife added, as the woman hurried inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ‘Single for the rest of my life’<\/p>\n\n\n\n It is not that everyone is trying to appease their parents in the search for Mr. or\nMs.Right, nor does everyone go about it the same way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere\n is no consensus in the community at all about what is appropriate \ndating,\u201d said Colin Christopher, a married 33-year-old who works for \nISNA. \u201cSome people are super conservative, and they only hang out with a\n potential suitor with their parents around. Other people just have to \ncheck the box for Muslim.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nishat recently came to the conclusion that beingMuslim\n is not an absolute requirement for her future partner. The most \nimportant things \u2014 according to the \u201cIdeal Husband\u201d list she keeps on \nher phone \u2014 are that he is respectful and kind, not \u201ca racist, sexist \nor homophobe.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n The\n proliferation of online matchmaking apps and social media has made some\n of these things easier. Not only can you search for basic criteria \n(Osman lists himself as a \u201cFoodie\u201d and \u201cTravel Lover,\u201d who stands \n5-foot-9 and loves sports), profiles also provide spaces to list things \nlike family origin, languages spoken, degree of religiosity, sect and \nlifestyle (does not eat Halal, for example), as well as \u201cideal marital \ntiming.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unlike\n Minder\u2019s secular cousin Tinder \u2014 with its reputation for casual sex and\n dating, all within a 10 mile radius \u2014 Minder and the other \nMuslim-oriented apps also allow users to set their search radius as \nencompassing multiple countries (say, the United States, United Kingdom,\n Canada and United Arab Emirates), or even the entire planet \u2014 and many \ndo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yasmin Elhady, a Washington area lawyer who moonlights as a matchmaker and comedian, produces online videos to counsel her peers on things like the importance of character and the false promises of \u201ca swipe left, swipe right culture.\u201d She worries about the limitations of such tools.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The desire to marry Muslim, to marry within a specificculture,\n and to appease one\u2019s parents is colliding with the screen age, the \nquest for perfect love and the reality of the diaspora, to produce \nunrealistic expectations, she says. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOur\n norm setting has been destroyed by the diaspora, by the geographic \nspread out, and because of, I think, a culture that we\u2019re trying to \nnegotiate to be both Muslim and American,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Osman\n recognizes this. He sometimes wonders if his parents are right: if he \nis too picky; if he should just go to Pakistan to find a bride.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When\n the matrimonial banquet was over, he and a few dozen others drifted out\n into the hallway with little to show for their efforts. It had all \nhappened so fast, an overwhelming blur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Osman felt dismayed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\n think I\u2019m just going to be single for the rest of my life,\u201d he \ncomplained to a sympathetic group of his peers that had lingered to \ncommiserate long after the chaperons and event organizers had gone home.\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n They\n realized none of them had taken notes. None of them had met any obvious\n matches. And none would have good news for their parents when they got \nhome. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Aisha\n told the group about the guy at the banquet whom she had already \nmatched with online \u2014 and who expressed irritation that she never \nmessaged back. Arham told the group about the woman who said he looked \nlike a \u201cbaby.\u201d Mavesh, a 25-year-old accountant, told how she had called\n her father, and he immediately asked if she met someone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, Dad, I met someone, and I\u2019m out with him right now!\u201d she joked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now they were all laughing. It felt good to trade stories. At least they got some new friends out of this, someone pointed out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Eventually\n they all parted ways. The next day, Osman flew back to Stockton. His \nparents told him again how picky he is and how much they worry. He \nwondered whether he should give the next matrimonial banquet, in \nChicago, a shot. Maybe there would be more people his age, he thought. \nMaybe they would get more than three minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt just seems like the older I get, the harder it\u2019s gonna be,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Abigail Hauslohner February 14, 2018 at 8:19 AM EST ANAHEIM, Calif. \u2014 Osman Aslam has tried the apps. On Minder, he wrote he enjoys hiking, going on long drives and spending time with his family. On Muzmatch, another option for Muslim singles,he described his ideal partner as well-educated, ambitious and funny. But Osman, a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2329,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":true,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[321],"tags":[1150,1149,1152,1151,666],"class_list":["post-2328","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-for-singles","tag-dating-apps-for-muslims","tag-dating-muslims","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims","tag-singles"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2328","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2328"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2328\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2335,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2328\/revisions\/2335"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2329"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2328"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2328"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2328"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"Osman](\"https:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/resizer\/fJbNtZ6hTb1WEVlbJ7zk3vgu20Q=\/767x0\/smart\/arc-anglerfish-washpost-prod-washpost.s3.amazonaws.com\/public\/IXE4BJAQLII6RJUM5E3UDCAXBY.jpg\")
![\"Osman](\"https:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/resizer\/eLQ6q_sllFPLGeAlkcLLPkaaCww=\/767x0\/smart\/arc-anglerfish-washpost-prod-washpost.s3.amazonaws.com\/public\/B3CWPLAQLII6RJUM5E3UDCAXBY.jpg\")