By Kyle Benson<\/p>\n
It turns out the\u00a0number one thing\u00a0couples fight about is nothing.<\/p>\n
This not-so-earth-shattering discovery was made in Dr. Gottman\u2019s Love Lab after spending more than 40 years studying over 3,000 couples. These couples were not arguing about specific topics like\u00a0sex, money, or in-laws. They were fighting about the\u00a0failure to connect emotionally.<\/p>\n
Every couple has what Dr. Gottman calls an\u00a0Emotional Bank Account. When we turn towards our partner\u2019s bids for connection, we make a deposit. When we turn away, we make a withdrawal. Just like a real bank account, a zero balance is trouble.<\/p>\n
An Emotional Bank Account grows when partners make more deposits than withdrawals. In a six-year\u00a0follow-up study\u00a0of newlywed couples, couples who remained married turned toward their partner\u2019s bids for emotional connection 86% of the time in the lab, while those who divorced averaged 33%.<\/p>\n
The difference between\u00a0happy and unhappy couples\u00a0is how they manage their Emotional Bank Account. Let\u2019s see how this plays out in Wendy and Scott\u2019s relationship as they watch football together on a Sunday afternoon.<\/p>\n
Wendy:<\/strong>\u00a0[Scrolling through Facebook] This hurricane is horrible. I feel so bad for all the people who are losing homes. One of my friends forgot to renew their insurance and lost everything. Isn\u2019t that sad? Scott turns away from Wendy\u2019s bid, missing an opportunity to make a deposit into their Emotional Bank Account. One single moment like this isn\u2019t that important, but it can compound over time, creating\u00a0disconnection and distance between partners.<\/p>\n Wendy:<\/strong>\u00a0[Scrolling through Facebook] This hurricane is horrible. I feel so bad for all the people who are losing homes. One of my friends forgot to renew their insurance and lost everything. Isn\u2019t that sad? Scott turns toward Wendy\u2019s bid, making a deposit in their Emotional Bank Account. He isn\u2019t even that engaged in the conversation, and that\u2019s okay. The key is that he acknowledges her.<\/p>\n Seemingly\u00a0unimportant moments\u00a0like this one are essential because each time partners invest in their Emotional Bank Account, they are building up a savings that can be used when times get tough.<\/p>\n When the Emotional Bank Account is in the green, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt during conflict. They keep their relationship in the\u00a0positive perspective. When the Emotional Bank Account is in the red, partners tend to question each other\u2019s intentions. They hold grudges.<\/p>\n You have the power to change your relationship by changing how you make and respond to bids for connection. However, not all bids are considered equal. Some are more positive or more negative than others.<\/p>\n So how do you measure the balance of your Emotional Bank Account?<\/p>\n Here is what Dr. Gottman found in his research:<\/p>\n Why the difference? Because when couples are in the heat of conflict, they are already in a negative state, so the added negativity is to be expected. This\u00a05:1 ratio\u00a0does suggest that you still need to say and do five positive things for every negative thing, even during an argument.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re going through your day and you\u2019re suddenly interrupted by a negative interaction, on the other hand, it has a much bigger impact on your Emotional Bank Account.<\/p>\n It stands that an emotionally wealthy marriage is not cultivated during a two-week vacation to Hawaii. Instead, it\u2019s built on a daily routine of positive habits and interactions. As Dr. Gottman explains, \u201cFor many couples, just realizing that they shouldn\u2019t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n Here are five science-based ways to create a wealth of love and passion in your relationship.<\/p>\n Dr. Gottman says that \u201ccouples often ignore each other\u2019s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.\u201d So be mindful of your partner\u2019s bids for connection and turn towards them. This will make them feel heard and valued.<\/p>\n Keep a journal (or a list in your iPhone Notes) of all the ways your partner has turned towards you, such as \u201ctexted during work to see how meeting went\u201d or \u201cwent on an evening walk with me.\u201d The goal is to take note of the deposits that are being made and then to express appreciation for them.<\/p>\n One study\u00a0discovered that the spillover of external stress into the relationship was the single biggest reason why couples relapsed two years after marital therapy. That\u2019s why the\u00a0Stress Reducing Conversation\u00a0is probably the most important conversation a couple can have.<\/p>\n When your partner makes a complaint, express that you can\u00a0understand\u00a0why they\u2019re frustrated. If they\u2019re happy about something that happened at work, share in their excitement. We feel loved when we feel heard and understood.<\/p>\n Kissing, holding hands, and cuddling are all opportunities to make deposits into your Emotional Bank Account. The\u00a0Normal Bar study\u00a0of more than 70,000 people in 24 countries found that couples who have a great sex life kiss one another passionately for no reason, they cuddle, and they are mindful about turning toward.<\/p>\n If you don\u2019t have a rich Emotional Bank Account, start small by noticing your partner\u2019s bids. Turn towards them. Again and again.<\/p>\n Bid by bid, your interactions will shape your relationship until your Emotional Bank Account represents the wealth of love and respect you have for each other. You can\u2019t put a price on that.<\/p>\n With Love,<\/p>\n Kyle Benson<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Kyle Benson It turns out the\u00a0number one thing\u00a0couples fight about is nothing. This not-so-earth-shattering discovery was made in Dr. Gottman\u2019s Love Lab after spending more than 40 years studying over 3,000 couples. These couples were not arguing about specific topics like\u00a0sex, money, or in-laws. They were fighting about the\u00a0failure to connect emotionally. Every couple […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2157,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1150,1149,1155,1151],"class_list":["post-2135","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dating-apps-for-muslims","tag-dating-muslims","tag-muslim-websites-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2135","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2135"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2135\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2136,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2135\/revisions\/2136"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2157"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2135"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2135"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2135"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nScott:<\/strong>\u00a0[No response]<\/p>\n
\nScott:<\/strong>\u00a0[Watching the game] That\u2019s terrible. Who?
\nWendy:<\/strong>\u00a0The Johnsons.
\nScott:<\/strong>\u00a0Devastating.
\nWendy:<\/strong>\u00a0Right? I\u2019ll message them and see if there\u2019s anything we can do to support them.
\nScott:<\/strong>\u00a0Great idea. [Continues to watch the game]<\/p>\nCreating an emotional investment plan<\/h2>\n
\n
Be mindful<\/h3>\n
Express appreciation daily<\/h3>\n
Talk about stress<\/h3>\n
Communicate understanding<\/h3>\n
Be affectionate<\/h3>\n