By Sheiresa Ngo<\/p>\n
Relationships are hard. They take a lot of dedication, focus, and work. Finding the right person to settle down with can often feel like a very frustrating game of chance. And even when you do find the right one, you\u2019ll still have your work cut out for you as you make an effort to maintain your relationship.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re looking for a little guidance when it comes to love, you\u2019ve come to the right place. The Cheat Sheet spoke with eight top relationship experts to get some of their best advice. So pull up a chair and read on for more.<\/p>\n
1. Take it easy<\/p>\n
The best relationship advice I\u2019ve ever gotten, and that I give, is \u201ceasy does it.\u201d Too often we get caught up in fear-based needs to control our partner. This pull becomes a destructive compulsion that corrodes the integrity of the relationship. It replaces respect and compassion with anger and resentment. It destroys the quality of our lives and over time, the relationship.<\/p>\n
This advice impacted the way I approach romantic relationships in that I allowed for a lot more space, which in turn allowed for less reactivity, more peace, happiness, and respect. The classic struggle of all relationships is finding the right calculus in the togetherness-and-autonomy equation. Typically, when a relationship is under stress, one of the partners asks for physical space to break the tension. This is suboptimal. The best way to incorporate space is by being proactive and providing emotional rather than physical space. To do this, partners need to allow each other the space to be themselves and to have their experiences without trying to control the outcome or think that you are responsible for their lives and reaction. It\u2019s hard work and takes practice, but the rewards are well worth the effort.<\/p>\n
-Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, J.D. licensed marriage and family therapist and senior clinical adviser to Caron Ocean Drive.<\/p>\n
2. Give 90%<\/p>\n
My parents advised what they did in their own marriage: \u201cboth of you always think about giving 90% to your partner and you both will be very happy.\u201d They meant it\u2019s so important to think about how your partner is feeling, to stand in their shoes, to be giving and compromising, and emotionally generous. That 10% is for the understanding that sometimes it\u2019s also OK to be a bit selfish, to place your needs first, or stand firm on something. They also made clear that this only works if you are both giving 90%.<\/p>\n
I just celebrated my 26th wedding anniversary. I definitely think about my spouse\u2019s needs and feelings the majority of the time and try to be compromising. In return I feel he is 90% thinking of me and how to consider my feelings and be supportive and loving. Sometimes this means giving something up, but actually most times this means we both get what we want and we both feel very loved, supported, and that we are in each other\u2019s corner. I don\u2019t feel afraid to be giving, because he really has my best interests at heart. We are a terrific team and often we agree on what we want. And when we don\u2019t, we tend to take turns supporting the other\u2019s wants.<\/p>\n
-Dr. Gail Saltz, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York Presbyterian\u2019s Weill-Cornell Medical College. She has partnered with Tylenol on the new #HowWeFamily program and national study to share more information about the modern American family. For more information visit HowWeFamily.com
\n3. You are responsible for your own happiness
\nMan and woman on the beach.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not my partner\u2019s job to make me happy. It\u2019s my job to make me happy. Of course it\u2019s easy to feel good when my partner is acting in a way that I want \u2014but needing them to be a certain way in order for me to feel good \u2014that\u2019s bondage. Thinking that they\u2019re always going to be in a good mood and directing their affectionate attention towards me \u2014 while that may be possible during the initial stage of a relationship, is impossible to sustain long-term. I\u2019m responsible for my happiness. My partner is responsible for her happiness. We deliberately focus on things to feel good in our lives and for things to appreciate in one another.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re looking for someone to complete you \u2014or vice versa\u2014you\u2019re looking in the wrong direction for the lasting happiness, wholeness, and fulfillment that you truly seek. Wouldn\u2019t it be better if you could find a way to feel how you want to feel regardless of what you\u2019re partner is saying or doing?<\/p>\n
This advice transformed every relationship in my life \u2013 not just the romantic ones. Before I knew these things, I was unintentionally holding my partner responsible for my happiness. When I learned that I\u2019m responsible for my own happiness and when I learned how to consistently align with it, my entire world transformed. I now have the freedom to choose if and when I spend time with someone else, and I deliberately choose to spend time with others who get this, too. My relationships are more meaningful, more loving, more free, and most importantly \u2013 more fun! And my overall happiness continues to grow, too, regardless of whether I\u2019m in a relationship or not.<\/p>\n
-Jeff Bear, life coach and founder of Bear Partners.<\/p>\n
4. Stop waiting and live your life<\/p>\n
When I was single and stressed about finding love, my good friend, Scott, a confirmed bachelor, told me this. He said, \u201cLisa, you need to calm down, chill out, and stop expecting love to be here already. Your sense of entitlement is killing your ability to attract a good man.\u201d When I realized he was right, I stopped waking up every day feeling angry that love hadn\u2019t found me yet. I stopped being resentful that my friends were married and having lives that felt out of reach to me. I stopped feeling like my life was on hold. As clich\u00e9 as it sounds, I stopped waiting and started living. Overnight, my outlook changed. My results changed, too. I started meeting men wherever I went. I went on dates, had fun, didn\u2019t give my heart away foolishly, and met my husband. I knew he was The One when he told me, \u201cI\u2019ve always been too nice for the naughty girls and too naughty for the nice ones.\u201d That had been my experience with men.<\/p>\n
My advice for singles who are struggling in their search is to look within and ask themselves what part of their own life still needs work. When you clean up your side of the street, you make room for a perfectly imperfect person to see you, celebrate you, and love you. And remember that Mr. Right [or Ms. Right] will not be perfect, but will be perfect for you, just as you\u2019ll be perfectly imperfect for him [or her].<\/p>\n
-Lisa Steadman, relationship expert and author of It\u2019s a Breakup Not a Breakdown.<\/p>\n
5. Love yourself<\/p>\n
You can\u2019t love anyone more than your willingness to love yourself. Through this advice I learned about the importance of caring for my mind, body, and spirit. I liken love to the oxygen mask on a plane. You have to apply it to yourself before applying it to the person next to you. This advice improved my chances of winning my wife\u2019s hand in marriage. She was searching for true love. She wanted someone to spend the rest of her life with. Conveying to her that I loved myself signaled that I could be a pillar of strength and compassion.<\/p>\n
-Paul C. Brunson, matchmaker and author of It\u2019s Complicated (But It Doesn\u2019t Have to Be): A Modern Guide to Finding and Keeping Love.
\n 6. Don\u2019t put boundaries on others
\nCouple on the couch<\/p>\n
You can\u2019t put boundaries on someone else\u2014only yourself. If someone is treating you badly, you can\u2019t change their behavior. But you can ask yourself why you accept it and how you can put a boundary on yourself so that you won\u2019t accept it again. It made me take more responsibility for my role in bad relationships. Instead of feeling like a victim of circumstance, I was empowered to reject bad treatment and choose a different person. Also, [remember that] life is a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you believe you are undeserving of happiness, love and prosperity, that\u2019s what the universe will give you.<\/p>\n
-Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert and author of The 30-Day Love Detox.<\/p>\n
7. Sometimes love is where you\u2019d least expect it<\/p>\n
The hottest, most fun, sexiest, interesting, growth-stimulating, spontaneous, most romantic, most eye-opening relationships or experiences all were not with people that I thought I would end up with. Just because a relationship has a shelf life doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t enter into it. This advice allowed me to enjoy each interaction for what it was and not try to make it something it wasn\u2019t. And at the end of the day, our life is just a conglomeration of memories and I have many happy memories to think on. This gives me the freedom to experience all life has to offer!<\/p>\n
Other good advice: \u201cAlways be unexpected.\u201d This doesn\u2019t have to be in grand gestures, but predictability in a relationship = boring = death of romance. Worst Advice? \u201cDon\u2019t worry, it\u2019ll happen.\u201d If I wanted to learn French, if someone told me \u201cDon\u2019t worry, it\u2019ll happen,\u201d how stupid does that sound?! Dating is a skill set like every other and you get out of it what you put into it.<\/p>\n
-Hunt Ethridge, certified dating coach.<\/p>\n
8. Put in some effort<\/p>\n
First, you simply must put time and energy into dating. A combination of online dating and socializing (perhaps including speed dating or singles mixers) is ideal. And second, you must go about dating the right way\u2014from a positive attitude and an effective online dating profileto behavior on dates and communication with potential partners. If your approach to finding love is waiting for it to just come along, you\u2019re taking a huge risk and will probably be single for a long time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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