As a psychiatrist my job is to read people, not just what they say, but who they are. Interpreting verbal and nonverbal cues, I want to see past their masks into the real person. Logic alone won\u2019t tell you the whole story about anybody. You must surrender to other vital forms of information so that you can learn to read the important non-verbal intuitive cues that people give off. To do this, you must also be willing to surrender any preconceptions, or emotional baggage such as old resentments or ego clashes, that stop you from seeing someone clearly. The key is to remain objective and receive information neutrally without distorting it.<\/p>\n
Whether you\u2019re reading your boss, co-worker, or partner to understand people accurately you must surrender biases, some walls must come down. As brilliant as the intellect is, you have to be willing to let go of old, limiting ideas. People who read others well are trained to read the invisible. They\u2019ve learned to utilize what I call their \u201csuper-senses\u201d to look further than where you usually put your attention to access life-changing intuitive insights. I invite you to explore some of these different methods of reading people from my book, The Ecstasy of Surrender. They all require surrendering pure logic in favor of also receiving alternative, non-linear forms of input.<\/p>\n
Three Techniques in the Art of Reading People<\/p>\n
The First Technique. Observe Body Language Cues<\/p>\n
Research has shown that words account for only seven percent of how we communicate whereas our body language (55 percent) and voice tone (30 percent) represent the rest. Here, the surrender to focus on is letting go of trying too hard to read body language cues. Don\u2019t get overly intense or analytical. Stay relaxed and fluid. Be comfortable, sit back, and simply observe.<\/p>\n
Here are a few examples of the Body Language Cues. I outline many more useful techniques in The Ecstasy of Surrender:<\/p>\n
1. Pay Attention to Appearance
\nWhen reading others notice: Are they wearing a power suit and well-shined shoes, dressed for success, indicating ambition? Jeans and a t-shirt, indicating comfort with being casual? A tight top with cleavage, a seductive choice? A pendant such as a cross or Buddha indicating spiritual values?<\/p>\n
2. Notice Posture
\nWhen reading people\u2019s posture, ask yourself: Do they hold their head high, confident? Or do they walk indecisively or cower, a sign of low self-esteem? Do they swagger with a puffed out chest, sign of a big ego?<\/p>\n
3. Watch For Physical Movements<\/p>\n
Leaning and Distance\u2014Observe where people lean. Generally, we lean toward those we like and away from those we don’t.
\nCrossed arms and legs\u2014This pose suggests defensiveness, anger, or self-protection. When people cross their legs they tend to point the toes of the top leg towards the person they are most at ease with.
\nHiding one\u2019s hands\u2014When people place their hands in their laps, pockets, or put them behind their back it suggests that they are hiding something.
\nLip biting or cuticle picking\u2014When people bite or lick their lips or pick their cuticles they are trying to soothe themselves under pressure or in an awkward situation.
\n4. Interpret Facial Expression
\nEmotions can become etched on our faces. Deep frown lines suggests worry or over-thinking. Crow\u2019s feet are the smile lines of joy. Pursed lips signal anger, contempt, or bitterness. A clenched jaw and teeth grinding are signs of tension.<\/p>\n
The Second Technique. Listen to Your Intuition<\/p>\n
You can tune into someone beyond their body language and words. Intuition is what your gut feels, not what your head says. It\u2019s nonverbal information you perceive via images, ah-has, and body knowings, rather than logic. If you want to understand someone, what counts the most is who the person is, not their outer trappings. Intuition lets you see further than the obvious to reveal a richer story.<\/p>\n
Checklist of Intuitive Cues<\/p>\n
1. Honor your gut feelings<\/p>\n
Listen to what your gut says, especially during first meetings, a visceral reaction that occurs before you have a chance to think. It relays whether you\u2019re at ease or not. Gut feelings occur quickly, a primal response. They\u2019re your internal truth meter, relaying if you can trust people.<\/p>\n
2. Feel the goosebumps<\/p>\n
Goosebumps are marvelous intuitive tingles which convey that we resonate with people who move or inspire us, or are saying something that strikes a chord. Goosebumps also happen when you experience deja-vu, a recognition that you\u2019ve known someone before, though you\u2019ve actually never met.<\/p>\n
3. Pay attention to flashes of insight<\/p>\n
In conversations, you may get an \u201cah-ha\u201d about people which comes in a flash. Stay alert. Otherwise you might miss it. We tend to go onto the next thought so rapidly these critical insights are lost.<\/p>\n
4. Watch for intuitive empathy<\/p>\n
Sometimes you can feel people\u2019s physical symptoms and emotions in your body which is an intense form of empathy. So, when reading people, notice, \u201cDoes my back hurt when it didn\u2019t before? Am I depressed or upset after an uneventful meeting?\u201d To determine if this is empathy, get feedback.<\/p>\n
The Third Technique. Sense Emotional Energy<\/p>\n
Emotions are a stunning expression of our energy, the \u201cvibe\u201d we give off. We register these with intuition. Some people feel good to be around; they improve your mood and vitality. Others are draining; you instinctively want to get away. This \u201csubtle energy\u201d can be felt inches or feet from the body, though it\u2019s invisible. In Chinese medicine it\u2019s called chi, a vitality that\u2019s essential to health.<\/p>\n
Strategies to Read Emotional Energy<\/p>\n
1. Sense people\u2019s presence<\/p>\n
This is the overall energy we emit, not necessarily congruent with words or behavior. It\u2019s the emotional atmosphere surrounding us like a rain cloud or the sun. As you read people notice: Do they have a friendly presence that attracts you? Or are you getting the willies, making you back off.<\/p>\n
2. Watch people\u2019s eyes<\/p>\n
Our eyes transmit powerful energies. Just as the brain has an electromagnetic signal extending beyond the body, studies indicate that the eyes project this too. Take time to observe people\u2019s eyes. Are they caring? Sexy? Tranquil? Mean? Angry? Also determine: Is there someone at home in their eyes, indicating a capacity for intimacy? Or do they seem to be guarded or hiding?<\/p>\n
3. Notice the feel of a handshake, hug, and touch<\/p>\n
We share emotional energy through physical contact much like an electrical current. Ask yourself, Does a handshake or hug feel warm, comfortable, confident? Or is it off-putting so you want to withdraw? Are people\u2019s hands clammy, signaling anxiety. Or limp, suggesting being non-committal and timid?<\/p>\n
4. Listen for People\u2019s Tone of Voice and Laugh<\/p>\n
The tone and volume of our voice can tell much about our emotions. Sound frequencies create vibrations. When reading people, notice how their tone of voice affects you. Ask yourself: Does their tone feel soothing? Or is it abrasive, snippy, or whiny? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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