I\u2019ve been a marriage and family counselor for more than 40 years. Though the times and technologies have changed, the basics of dating and mating haven\u2019t. The new science of love demonstrates that there are 5 stages for having a great relationship that lasts through time:<\/p>\n
Stage 1: Falling In Love<\/p>\n
Stage 2: Becoming a Couple<\/p>\n
Stage 3: Disillusionment<\/p>\n
Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love<\/p>\n
Stage 5: Finding Your Calling as a Couple<\/p>\n
All five stages work best when we communicate with all parts of ourselves. There is an old saying, going back to biblical times, \u201cFor everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.\u201d In our fast-paced, hyper-kinetic world, we increasingly use technologies to help us save time and be more efficient. Texting is one of those technologies. When we\u2019re in a hurry we can communicate with a few quick strokes and get a message through.<\/p>\n
Texting may be more efficient, and there are times when efficiency serves our purpose, but in the area of dating, mating, sex, and love, too much texting and too little direct contact can undermine our deepest desires. The reason is simple and straight forward, but we often fail to understand these facts of life:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Human connection requires that we use all our senses. We need to see each other, hear each other, touch each other, taste each other, and yes, smell each other.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Our conscious mind may think we\u2019re connecting when we text our feelings in words, but our bodies, spirits, and souls know we\u2019re missing vital elements.<\/p>\n
In her book, Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become, Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D., says \u201cYou use the phone, email, and increasingly texts or Facebook, and it\u2019s important to do so. Yet your body, sculpted by the forces of natural selection over millennia, was not designed for the abstractions of long distance love, the XOXs and LOLs. Your body hungers for more. It hungers for moments of oneness.\u201d<\/p>\n
Without real connection we feel lonely and disconnected. We often become more anxious and depressed. As I say in my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, \u201cWithout real connections we get hooked on love addiction rather than real love. Healthy love creates life. Addictive love creates melodramas.\u201d So here are the reasons I believe calling is better than texting at all stages of relationship:<\/p>\n
1. The sound of the human voice goes straight to the heart.
\nThink back to a time when you first fell in love, that first wonderful stage of love. Chances are you were in the physical presence of your loved one and when you were apart you longed to hear their voice. Words on a screen don\u2019t touch us nearly as deeply as words that are spoken.<\/p>\n
2. A phone call is now.
\nWe all long to be seen, heard, cherished, and held. Texting can be quick and efficient, but it isn\u2019t in real time. In the second stage of love when we\u2019re deepening our relationship and becoming a couple we want to feel the immediate presence of our partner. If we are not together we want to hear their voice and know they are reaching out to us now.<\/p>\n
3. Calling requires persistence.
\nIn our busy lives we don\u2019t always answer our phones. Calling requires us to keep trying if we\u2019re going to make a connection. Whether we\u2019re in the early stages of dating or the later stages of love, we need perseverance and persistence if we\u2019re going to deepen the relationship and help it grow.<\/p>\n
4. Talking can be awkward, but it\u2019s real.
\nWhen we talk, we are interacting with a real person in real time. We are aware of our flaws as we stumble over \u201csaying what we feel.\u201d We can\u2019t consult friends or edit the text before we send it. We are more transparent and real. We can \u201chear\u201d a smile or a frown more easily listening than reading and the immediacy of back and forth communication helps us be more honest and uncensored.<\/p>\n
5. Disillusionment is a stage in all relationships and the sound of a voice can heal the pain.
\nIn my experiences as a marriage and family counselor I\u2019ve seen that most people are blindsided by stage three. We often project our own illusions, both positive and negative, on to another. When they don\u2019t live up to our projected image we become dismissive and begin looking elsewhere. It\u2019s much more difficult to understand and heal the pain and reconnect when we do more texting than talking. The sound of a voice can provide soothing and healing when the misunderstandings of human interaction get in the way of care and connection.<\/p>\n
6. Creating real, lasting love requires that we talk about old wounds.
\nMost everyone grew up in families that were less than optimal. We suffered from various degrees of neglect, abuse, and abandonment. In order to get through the dating stage and develop a real relationship, we have to talk about our wounding. Interestingly, I\u2019ve found that many people, particularly men, seem to find it easier to talk on the phone about these issues than talking in person. Texting is a poor substitute for talking when we reach stage four and are wanting real, lasting love.<\/p>\n
7. The five most important words of love are these: \u201cI am there for you.\u201d
\nIn a world that is becoming increasingly stressed and more of us feel overwhelmed, anxious, and afraid, we need to know there is someone who has our back, who is there for us. We need real friends, real companions, real lovers. A call when we need connection can be life-saving. A text just doesn\u2019t get it. Words of love and encouragement that are given in real time by a real person, meant just for us can open our heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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