{"id":1459,"date":"2016-08-03T15:50:24","date_gmt":"2016-08-03T15:50:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/?p=1459"},"modified":"2016-08-03T15:50:24","modified_gmt":"2016-08-03T15:50:24","slug":"how-to-fight-if-your-marriage-matters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/2016\/08\/03\/how-to-fight-if-your-marriage-matters\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Fight If Your Marriage Matters"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Love can be a battleground of mistakes, misunderstandings and conflicts. Oftentimes when we want to discuss a specific conflict with our partners, we also want the floor to discuss EVERY conflict with our partner; every one of their 617 boneheaded mistakes. After all, we are an \u201cexpert\u201d analyst of our <a href=\"http:\/\/kylebenson.net\/soulmate-problem\/\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:1}}\">partner\u2019s behavior and personality disorders<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Meet Jasmine. Jasmine is a full-time employed mother of two. She\u2019s married to Brian, a hard working business owner with 64 employees. Jasmine and Brian strive to be a super couple; the kind of couple that exhausts themselves trying to do it all.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Their childhood upbringing has taught both of them to be overachieving perfectionists who put a lot of pressure on themselves to be \u201chappily married.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Most of this pressure comes from Jasmine. She wants the best orgasms, a <a href=\"http:\/\/kylebenson.net\/good-sex\/\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:2}}\">passionate sex life<\/a>, millions in the bank account, and two adorable and successful kids. All this weight causes a lot of problems with Brian.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>In her mind, Brian doesn\u2019t help out with the children or house nearly enough. He doesn\u2019t dedicate enough time to their relationship and he isn\u2019t making <em>enough<\/em> money.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Needless to say, Jasmine\u2019s <a href=\"http:\/\/kylebenson.net\/are-love-laws-throwing-you-in-relationship-jail\/\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:3}}\">Love Laws<\/a> puts Brian in Relationship Jail pretty frequently. As a result, she shames him. She makes him feel inadequate. She treats him this way so much that he has started to spend more time working than he does at home.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<span style=\"float:left; padding-right: 15px; padding-bottom: 7px; padding-top: 8px;\"><script async src=\"\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js\"><\/script>\r\n<!-- BC300-250 -->\r\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\"\r\n     style=\"display:inline-block;width:300px;height:250px\"\r\n     data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-9441334350567224\"\r\n     data-ad-slot=\"3883394805\"><\/ins>\r\n<script>\r\n(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\r\n<\/script><\/span>\n<p>For Brian, work is a safe haven from the war at home. As Jasmine starts to realize their relationship is in trouble, she devours books on healthy relationships like a fat kid at a cupcake store. She heard about <a href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/1451608489\/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=1451608489&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=crobci-20&amp;linkId=RSH7YLMADLDBYNH2\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:4}}\">John Gottman\u2019s famous State of the Union <\/a>meeting that was created to resolve relationship conflicts. So she schedules a meeting to \u201ctalk\u201d with Brian about their current conflicts.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Because she\u2019s so eager to start the meeting, Jasmine takes the lead as the speaker. She tells Brian the role of the listener according to what she can remember: \u201cjust listen to me and don\u2019t get defensive.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Unfortunately Jasmine hits Brian so hard with criticism that his helmet in the football game of love pops right off. This leaves him vulnerable to a siege of attacks from his lover, who brings up every issue under the sun. His lack of help with the children. His lack of effort in keeping the house clean. His routine sexual performance that feels more like clockwork and less like lovemaking.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Hearing all this makes Brian feel inadequate. Something back in his childhood made him sensitive about that feeling. <a href=\"http:\/\/kylebenson.net\/the-story-of-us-the-difference-between-happy-unhappy-couples\/\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:5}}\">His body floods with negative emotions<\/a>. Despite trying to do his best to \u201clisten,\u201d he emotionally shuts down to calm his anxiety.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Jasmine notices this and hits him even harder.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>\u201cYou never listen to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>\u201cWhat is wrong with you?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>By now, this relationship is on the road to the Hell, whether it be divorce or infidelity. But there are many lessons we can learn from this.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<h3>Pick One Issue and Be Specific<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Instead of bringing up every issue under the sun, focus on one particular issue and stay on topic. Be detailed. Instead of saying, \u201cyou never help out around the house,\u201d say, \u201cIt makes me feel abandoned when I feel like it is my responsibility to vacuum the house every week. On top of that, I have other chores I feel like I have to do to keep this house running. Would you be able to vacuum every other week for me?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Telling someone they make you feel insecure gives them no feedback to change their behavior. However, telling your partner that you feel insecure when they make fun of you in front of your friends will allow them to fix that specific situation.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>By focusing on one issue and the specific emotions it causes you (not your <a href=\"http:\/\/kylebenson.net\/soulmate-problem\/\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:6}}\">partner\u2019s flaws<\/a>), both of you can come together to fix that specific situation by changing both the meaning of the situation and each other\u2019s behavior.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<h3>Avoid Your Partner\u2019s Triggers<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Lastly, be aware of your partner\u2019s triggers. No one grows up without emotional scars. These lasting flaws can escalate conflict quickly. Tom Bradbury, a UCLA psychologist, calls these enduring vulnerabilities.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Imagine your partner\u2019s weaknesses are tattooed on their forehead. What might your partner\u2019s weaknesses and insecurities be? When they get blamed, do they immediately become defensive? Do they hate being lectured because it makes them feel inadequate?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Brian\u2019s vulnerabilities of not providing enough make him feel inadequate. It causes him to close off from his relationship and the things he cares about. When his trigger is hit, it\u2019s easier to become numb than to feel the pain of all his past traumas rising in the present.<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Your partner\u2019s childhood baggage may be a source of problems in your relationship, but it is unrealistic to expect that he or she will fix them immediately. Prodding or insisting them to \u201cchange\u201d will only worsen the situation.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>What you can do is prevent a particular vulnerability from causing friction by acknowledging it and working around it with compassion. If you know your boyfriend is sensitive about feeling left out, be kind when suggesting that he should stay at home so you can go out with your friends for a girl\u2019s night. You could say something like \u201cI love going out with my friends and you because we always have a good time. But would it be okay if I just went out with them tonight? I\u2019d like to catch up with them on a more intimate level.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Or maybe your girlfriend is a tad messy, and resents her childhood upbringing of rigid house rules. She may even appreciate a break when it comes to her messy clothes on the chair in the bedroom.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>During my own relationship conflicts, I\u2019ve found it helpful to remind myself that my partner is learning to work with my insecurities, just like I am with hers. Love isn\u2019t always a comfortable ride. But having a partner who will drive around your potholes, while still addressing the underlying issues, is a partner you should keep.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>This was originally published on <a href=\"http:\/\/kylebenson.net\/\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:7}}\">KyleBenson.net<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Love can be a battleground of mistakes, misunderstandings and conflicts. Oftentimes when we want to discuss a specific conflict with our partners, we also want the floor to discuss EVERY conflict with our partner; every one of their 617 boneheaded mistakes. After all, we are an \u201cexpert\u201d analyst of our partner\u2019s behavior and personality disorders. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1460,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[322],"tags":[483,694,669,670],"class_list":["post-1459","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-for-married","tag-love","tag-love-marriage","tag-relationships","tag-sex"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1459","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1459"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1459\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1461,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1459\/revisions\/1461"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1460"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1459"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1459"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1459"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}