{"id":1445,"date":"2016-08-03T13:14:43","date_gmt":"2016-08-03T13:14:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/?p=1445"},"modified":"2016-09-07T19:42:11","modified_gmt":"2016-09-07T19:42:11","slug":"5-pre-marital-tips-from-a-divorced-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/2016\/08\/03\/5-pre-marital-tips-from-a-divorced-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Pre-Marital Tips From A Divorced Parent"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>As parents, we all want to set good examples for our children. If, for instance, they see us treating everyone we encounter with respect, chances are good they\u2019ll do the same. Doesn\u2019t it feel great when your child politely asks the waiter if he \u201ccan please have\u201d a particular item, then thanks him when it arrives?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>I had hoped to model marriage-lasts-a-lifetime-behavior for my kids, too, but as happens so often, life just didn\u2019t work out that way. Their mom and I went through a basically mutual, fairly amicable split after 27 years. And though it\u2019s nice that we showed them how to have a civilized divorce, that still wasn\u2019t the ideal.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>There was, however, a positive to be gained from the negative. I believe going through my divorce gave me insight into why the marriage was what it was, and went where it went. I\u2019ve come to more clearly comprehend the thoughts and choices I made, and the assumptions I held, concerning getting married. And I discovered that some of them were, shall we say, less than correct.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"float:left; padding-right: 15px; padding-bottom: 7px; padding-top: 8px;\"><script async src=\"\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js\"><\/script>\r\n<!-- BC300-250 -->\r\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\"\r\n     style=\"display:inline-block;width:300px;height:250px\"\r\n     data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-9441334350567224\"\r\n     data-ad-slot=\"3883394805\"><\/ins>\r\n<script>\r\n(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\r\n<\/script><\/span> This personal understanding, combined with the stories I\u2019ve heard and research I\u2019ve done for my website (<a href=\"http:\/\/divorcedover50.com\" target=\"_hplink\" data-beacon=\"{&quot;p&quot;:{&quot;mnid&quot;:&quot;entry_text&quot;,&quot;lnid&quot;:&quot;citation&quot;,&quot;mpid&quot;:1}}\">DivorcedOver50.com<\/a>) has helped me develop five tips I believe young adults should keep in mind as they make the all-important decision about whom to marry, and when.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<ol>\n<li><strong>You need to love him or her desperately.<\/strong> This is not a choice where you say, \u201cEh, makes sense, what the heck, sure, let\u2019s get married.\u201d You need to feel like nothing is more important than spending the rest of your life with him or her. Nothing. It\u2019s not enough to think that he or she will be a good parent, and that you\u2019re quite compatible. You have to feel a deep need to be together, and a strong fear of life without that person \u2014 if not, he or she is not the one to marry.<\/li>\n<li class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\"><strong>Be squared away in your own life.<\/strong> Don\u2019t get married while you\u2019re still trying figure out your life and career. Which isn\u2019t to say you\u2019ve got to be a CEO with a mid-six-figure income. It\u2019s okay to be in school, or a training program, or working your way up in your career \u2014 as long as you know what you want to do, and are in the process of making that happen. However, if you\u2019re still searching for your calling, or trying to find a path that works for you, wait. Figure yourself out before adding someone else to the mix. Getting married under those circumstances won\u2019t add stability to your life, it will just create pressures in your marriage.<\/li>\n<li class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\"><strong>Realize marriage will not improve any issues between you.<\/strong> If something about him or her is bugging you now, you need to speak up. If that doesn\u2019t work, do not expect marriage to magically make it disappear. Perhaps you\u2019ve asked him or her to speak to you more nicely; if it hasn\u2019t happened yet, marriage will not result in unending sweetness and light pouring forth from your spouse. If you\u2019re complaining about your sex life pre-marriage, tying the knot won\u2019t improve it, and, in fact, familiarity and children will likely make it worse. So you need to fully consider those faults, problems, and flaws, because they\u2019re almost certainly a permanent part of the package. If you can truly accept them, that\u2019s great. But they aren\u2019t going away.<\/li>\n<li class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\"><strong>He or she needs to accept you as you are, too.<\/strong> A twist on the tip above, do not marry someone who sees you as a \u201cproject\u201d to be molded and improved once you\u2019re married. If he or she is talking about getting you into a better career post nuptials, or finding some more interesting friends once you\u2019re married, or even changing your personal style after the wedding, move on. This attitude says \u201cI\u2019m not fully happy with who you are, but that should improve once I change you.\u201d This will lead to resentment, and a loss of your identity. Compromise in a marriage is important, but a forced surrender invites trouble.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Think of yourself first.<\/strong> You can\u2019t go into a marriage because you think it\u2019s what the other person wants. Or because you want to make him or her happy. Or because you\u2019re being pressured. Or because you don\u2019t know how to get out of the relationship. Recall Seinfeld\u2019s George Costanza being willing to marry Susan, and spend the rest of his life in misery, rather than endure a break up with her. Sure, that may have been exaggerated, fictional comedy \u2014 but I\u2019ll bet versions of it happen often in real life. Remember, this is your choice. <strong>You<\/strong> get to make it. Think of what you want, and do what\u2019s best for <strong>you<\/strong>. You are entitled to that.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>A friend of mine, who owns apartment buildings, has a 19 point checklist for deciding to buy a property. If just one point is a no, he walks away. He says it keeps emotion out of the mix. And he\u2019s done very, very well.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>Obviously the decision to get married is all about emotion. It has to be. However, you still need to do some serious analysis.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>If you\u2019ve got a green light on all the above, and the emotion is there, go for it. If not, do like my friend, and walk away.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-list-component mt-paragraph text\">\n<p>That doesn\u2019t ensure your marriage will go the distance, of course. But it should increase the odds, as well as make for a smoother ride along the way.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As parents, we all want to set good examples for our children. If, for instance, they see us treating everyone we encounter with respect, chances are good they\u2019ll do the same. Doesn\u2019t it feel great when your child politely asks the waiter if he \u201ccan please have\u201d a particular item, then thanks him when it [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1447,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[321],"tags":[608,688,689],"class_list":["post-1445","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-for-singles","tag-marriage-advice","tag-pre-marital","tag-premarital"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1445","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1445"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1445\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1450,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1445\/revisions\/1450"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1447"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1445"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1445"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1445"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}